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Slapping the carelessly sewn layers
of blond extensions from my eyes,
I realize that my entire life has
somehow secretly become dictated by
both sympathy and derision for the
Britney/ Paris social complex. Somebody
hiccups? I think of Britney. Somebody
snorts? I defer to Paris. I'm a cheap
party mime stuck in a VH1 sound-byte
blurb, thinking quality and acting
collagen. Dear Mom: I've made it ...
and I need some money.
Anyway, I've recharged my cell phone
long enough to catch a call from pop's
mouthy bad girl Willa Ford, the artist
formerly known as Nick Carter's Girlfriend,
and I love her. No, I do. Not just
because she's known for having pummeled
the former (still?) Backstreet Boy
into a gelatinous pool of warbly nonesuch,
but also because she was the original
Anti-Britney or Britney antidote or
even Britney anecdote, for that matter.
She's the "I Wanna Be Bad"
girl, or wannabe bad girl. She's the
kind of girl who gets drunk after
quoting Norman Vincent Peale, which
makes her the perfect kind of girl
for me. Plus, her new song, "A
Toast to the Men (Fuck the Men)"
-- besides being a mildly trashy rewrite
of the recent, angstier Aguilera "this
is for my girls" madness -- includes
the caveat "Fuck the Men."
And I do. So I love her. And I'll
tell her.
"So I love your new song,"
I tell her. "Y'know, 'Fuck the
Men.'"
"Mmmmm-hmmm," she black-ladys.
Off to a good start, then. Apparently,
the track precedes a full length of
potentially hazardous experimental
numbers (she's been listening to Bj?rk),
but for now she's just bad. In a good
way.
"The whole thing is really,
really fresh. It's a new sound for
me. Even more new than 'A Toast to
the Men,' which was supposed to just
be this club thing, and it ended up
going on radio," she says, slapping
the carelessly sewn ... oh, whatever.
"We have another song that we
had meant for radio, but this one
took off. I don't think it's going
to No. 1, but we kind of just had
to play to the public on it."
Play on.
"The whole record's really fresh,
it's really dear to me. I mean, I've
been really crazy about it, really
rude about it. I mean, I won't let
people play it. I won't settle for
anything less than exactly what I
want. That's why it's taking so long."
And that's why I don't have it. For
our interview, even.
"I mean, if someone just gives
birth to a baby, then you don't tell
them how to raise that baby! You know
what I mean? That's how I feel sometimes
about the power and pressure trying
to get going with your record."
Power and pressure eminent, Willa
mouthed off to Blender magazine recently
about -- here it comes again -- PARIS
HILTON!
"I just kind of like read it,
and then I laughed. I had put it out
of my mind, then I'm like, omigod,
you called Paris Hilton a cunt. Britney
Spears probably could have used a
different word. I could have used
a different word."
Britney, Britney, Britney!
"I'm not gonna lie about that.
What I mean by it was that she was
mean to me before I was anybody. Then
when I was somebody, she was kind
of nice to me. And I don't like people
like that! I'm sorry."
Me too.
"All I am is kind of the honest
person, someone you don't want to
show that side to. Because if you've
got it, it's gonna really, really,
really piss me off. It's gonna make
me mad."
And just when I've wrapped the noose
around my neck really, really, really
tightly, Willa pops back all genius
and without a flaw. "That's what
Willa Ford stands for: higher education,"
she laughs the laugh of those who
laugh too much. Then it's back to
Britney.
"The difference is, I feel like
if you're gonna do something, don't
apologize for it. I mean, so what?
You got really drunk one night. But
that whole marriage thing, forget
about it. I would be like, 'You know
what, I'm 22, I got drunk.'"
Bash her!
"I don't bash her, though,"
she quietly disappoints. "I think
she's just a little girl, and what
she's going through right now -- you
know, the world's picking over with
a fine-toothed comb. It starts to
get ugly, you know? I stay out of
it. The only thing I do is, when someone
is ugly to me, I tell them about it.
I can't help it. But she's not the
sharpest tool in the shed."
Bingo! In a twist of cruel irony,
former gelatinous Backstreet blob
Nick has been seen on the scene of
late with one, gulp, Paris Hilton
-- a bone of contention, to say the
least. And a little bone at that,
if I can read her correctly.
"It's hysterical, because I
made the comment about Paris Hilton
way before. I'm like, 'That little
fucker, he saw my interview and was
like 'huh, huh,'" she Beavises
then Butt-heads.
"I used to know him, but he's
not the same guy anymore. I'll say
that much. That being said, the old
Nick would laugh at this. But Nick's
just about what he's about now. He'll
eat it up for a little while. And
that's cool."
No it's not.
"You can't even tell me that
you can be with someone for three
years and then go out with someone
like that. Y'know, people are gonna
think I'm as bad as her! I'm blond,
I'm not bad."
Amen, sister! And speaking of sisters,
Willa's even included the requisite
gay anthem (cue Aguilera, again) called
"What I Am," even though
she, er, isn't.
"I have friends who are. You
know how it is when you're a girl."
I do. Fag hag.
"Total fag hag," she throws
back. "I'm really over surface,
and I'm really over trying to be something
you're not. This record, when you
listen to it, will probably remind
you of, like, when you were a kid,
and, like, growing up."
That would be "Mad World"
by Tears for Fears: I find it kind
of funny/ I find it kind of sad/ The
dreams in which I'm dying are the
best I've ever had. Sniffle. Oh, wait.
This is your interview.
"It's not about Nick, is it?"
I scoop.
"That's another story for another
day," she worries me. "I'm
labeled a bad girl. But if you hang
out with me, I do everything for you.
That's the girl I am."
Source: Orlando Weekly
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